Work is relational. It’s obvious in the social sense – having a friend at work makes things easier, collaboration is smoother, and let’s be honest, it’s just more enjoyable. But relationships at work aren’t just about camaraderie. They determine the depth, honesty, and quality of the conversations we can have.
If you don’t invest in a relationship, the scope of what you can discuss shrinks. If there’s no trust, no real connection, how can you challenge each other, sit in tension, or disagree productively? Yet, so often, we only invest in relationships when we need to draw on them – when conflict arises, when a conversation turns difficult, when trust is suddenly required but hasn’t been built.
And here’s the mistake: we treat relationships as separate from the work. As if leadership is the “thinking” part, and relationships are just the “soft skills” bit. But leadership is relational. You can’t separate the two.
Building relationships that hold real conversations
So how do we build relationships that allow for deeper, more effective conversations? It comes down to time, contracting, structured conversations, and feedback.
1. Spend time
John Lennon put it best: “Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.” The same applies to building relationships at work. In a world obsessed with efficiency, small talk, casual catch-ups, and unscheduled conversations can feel unproductive. But they’re not.
Face-to-face time—especially in hybrid and remote environments—lays the groundwork for trust. It creates the kind of familiarity that makes difficult conversations easier down the line. If the only time you speak to someone is in high-stakes moments, the relationship remains transactional, not relational.
2. Agree the ground rules
Strong relationships aren’t just built on good intentions – they need structure. Contracting is about setting clear agreements at the outset:
- How are we going to work together?
- How do we give each other feedback?
- What do we do when there’s tension?
It’s about making commitments and following through, because trust is built in the small moments where people do what they say they will.
3. More structure = more space
There’s a paradox in leadership: more structure actually creates more room for open, honest discussions. Unstructured, ad-hoc conversations often lead to avoidance or superficial exchanges. But a well-designed conversation – a clear space for feedback, reflection, and disagreement – gives people permission to say what they really think.
If you need to have a difficult conversation, don’t just hope it “happens naturally.” Set the parameters. Create a holding space for it. The right structure removes uncertainty, making it safer to be direct.
4. Feedback: the litmus test
A relationship isn’t real if you can’t give each other feedback. And yet, many teams avoid it, fearing discomfort. But without feedback, teams stagnate, issues fester, and underperformance becomes the norm.
Good feedback doesn’t just happen. It needs a rhythm, a framework, and a shared understanding that feedback is about growth, not attack. The size of the relationship dictates how feedback lands: in a strong relationship, feedback is seen as an investment. In a weak one, it feels like a threat.
Relationships are the work
A team with strong relationships can have bigger, braver conversations. They can challenge each other without it turning toxic. They can hear tough feedback without getting defensive. They can sit in uncertainty without panicking. And this is what allows businesses to move faster, adapt better, and make smarter decisions.
The irony is that many leaders think investing in relationships slows them down, when in reality, it’s what allows them to move at pace. Because a team that trusts each other doesn’t waste time on politics, second-guessing, or playing it safe. They just get on with it.
So the question isn’t whether you have time to invest in relationships: it’s whether you can afford not to.